What have we got here?

Baby "Yufi" 12 weeks and 2 days old.

Just chillaxing while sucking his/her thumb.

I'm here and still alive. I have been struggling a lot lately with depression and anxiety and general 'feel like shit'-ness.

I've been worried a lot about this baby, how I'll cope with two when we're so far away from family, how will we fit in our tiny townhouse, how I wish I worked more (There I go, I said it out 'loud') etc etc.

I went to my GP and spoke about going on a low dose antidepressant (yep, I feel guilty about that too).
At this stage I'm going to see a psychologist and try some cognitive behaviour therapy and see if I can manage with just that.

The husband and I have also had some long (and heated) discussions about moving back 'home'. He totally hates the idea (I don't think hate is a strong enough word) so we're thinking maybe Brissy/Sunshine Coast/Gold Coast might be the answer. Close to family, well 2 hours away which is closer than 20+ hours away.

I'm hoping we can find some solutions to my current issues, but in the meantime I guess I'll just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming .......

Here We Go Again!

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Yes that's right we are having another baby! Estimated due date at this stage is April 22nd. I know it's super early to be mentioning it (I'm about 5 weeks pregnant), but I had forgotten how nerve wracking and totally scary pregnancy can be.

I need some support. Want to be my cheer squad?

I'm pooping my pants that something will go wrong. Constantly worrying when I go to the toilet, every twinge/pain/cramp/spasm, I'm a ball of nerves.

Which is silly, I know. It's up to God/the universe/mother nature/whatever to decide. I really have no control.

Which is maybe why I'm struggling? The whole 'have no control' feeling. Typical worrier I am I can't stop with the 'what ifs'.

It took us about 6 cycles to fall with Malachi, and now, after not even actively trying to conceive (we were just taking it easy, letting the universe decide when would be the right time to have another baby) we are pregnant again.

Surely it can't be that easy? Have I been 'good' enough to deserve another baby? If I be the best Mum I can be to Master M, does that mean I get to have another baby?

I might be a ball of nerves, but for the moment I am pregnant and over the moon ♥

PS: If we are facebook friends *cough Loz* please don't mention anything on there. We are keeping things hush hush until at least a dating scan ♥

Get off your high horse

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I'm back and ready to vent blog.

I have a question, and it's a question I've been wanting answered for so long, so care to help me?

Why do Mother's judge each other?

Why do we feel the need to pick, and criticise and judge what another Mum is doing with her child/ren?

I belong to a facebook group. I'm pretty sure we're all ladies, all mother's. We have a common interest, and that interest is cloth nappies.

A lady asked what's so bad about the Save our sleep (SOS) book/routine.

Now I understand most of these ladies on the page are into cloth nappies, Baltic amber, co sleeping, baby wearing etc etc.

But their comments; mainly directed at me as we used her times as a guide, and used her self settling methods were disgusting.

Here are a few pearlers:

* Babies starve on SOS as the Mum's don't feed the baby when they are hungry.

* I feel so sorry for babies who's Mum's use SOS. They are missing out on so many cuddles.
I just don't get it. Why does MY babies life involve you?

Why do you think that because we have a routine that I no longer have a brain and don't know when my son is hungry? Surely him doubling his birth weight by 3 months is a good indication that he wasn't ever left hungry.

While I do think some of the reasoning and logic in SOS isn't for me, I would never ever say anything to a parent about that.

It shits me up the wall this constant...... comparison? Competition?

Why don't we support and encourage instead of belittling and supporting others?

Parenting a Toddler

The little guy is one in less then two weeks (EEKK!!) and can I just say.... this parenting a toddler busy is tough work.

Hubby has been away for 2 days for work.

The other night was a super long day. Malachi had been awake since 130pm.

Had dinner at 530pm. Became hysterical when I tried to tell him he has one spoon and Mummy has one spoon. Sobbing, gasping for air, tears rolling down his face etc. Got him out of his highchair, calmed him down. Put him back in his highchair where he decided to smear food everywhere, or just drop it on the floor.

Went upstairs to run his bath. I could hear him whinging downstairs so was taking my sweet ass time.

Came downstairs and saw him CRAWLING on our table. Yep, that's right. I didn't strap him in so he managed to wiggle his butt out of the highchair.

Soooooo lucky he didn't smash anything or fall off the table onto the tiles!

I'm trying to teach him that there are things he can do, and things he can't do.
The only problem is, he's not too keen on being told what to do.

Yesterday was a prime example.

* Pulls my hair *

Me: No Malachi, we don't pull Mummy's hair. That really hurts Mummy. We be gentle to each other.

Malachi: Bursts into tears and sobs hysterically.

Me: Picks him up and comforts him.

Malachi: Starts to pull hair again. Sigh.

And the other thing I'm struggling with.... the chaos a toddler creates.

I feel like all I do all day is try and keep the house somewhat tidy, just to have him come through and mess it all up again. I do not like vacuuming twice in one day!

I know we don't have the cleanest, tidiest house in the street. But I like a house of order. And I'm really struggling to keep on top of it all.

So I would love some parenting tips from those Mummas who have toddlers!

Emotionally spent

I was going to find a super fantastic photo to put at the top of my post but I couldn't be bothered.

So just pretend there's something fancy schmancy here.

Yep. I know.

Super slack blogger here.

The truth is I just have nothing to say.

I am exhausted. Just mentally exhausted.

I hate drama.

My family are all about the drama.

To cute a super long story short.

My 16 year old sister is pregnant again. She'll have two babies 16 months apart.


She's not with the druggo boyfriend anymore at least that's what they tell me. No, I'm pretty sure he slept with my 21 year old alcoholic sister no I'm not making this up.


Mum rang to tell me my sister was pregnant again. I was angry okay angry is an understatement.

My sister's excuse? She's never been on the pill so that's how she fell pregnant. Grow the feck up.


I think it probably annoyed the shit out of me more as I would lurve another baby. Yep, can't believe I'm saying that. Mrs I want-a-massive-age-gap-can't-deal-with-the-newborn-sleep-deprivation-again-anytime-soon.

But you know what. I'm an adult. And just because I want something doesn't mean I get it. We have a mortgage, and bills to pay, and all that other grown up stuff so for the moment having another baby is not on the cards.

I'm back to work Saturday butterflies much. But that's a post for another day.

So forgive my absence while I wallow in hurt/anger/disappointment/bitterness.

Rainbows everywhere

I called my manager yesterday to arrange a time to go in and see him about returning to work.

He was less then friendly and quite rude to be honest.

*sigh* As if I wasn't anxious enough already about returning after a year off.

So I've been looking at Etsy for gorgeous little goodies to brighten my day.

I think Etsy should come with a warning "Beware, highly addictive. You will waste many a hour searching this site".

Anyway, I digress.

Look at all these pretties!

Mmim's Store

Kawaii4U's store

nms2523's shop

DelightfulEpiphany's Shop

Lisaghove's store

Aren't they gorgeous!

If I hadn't of spent so much money on cloth nappies that Malachi doesn't really need this week I'd be very tempted to get a few things.

What do you do when you're feeling down?

Surf the web?

Buy cloth nappies?

Eat chocolate?

Hat trick fail

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Maybe this is how you get a baby to sleep through the night?
Just put them in a sink?

Malachi has always been an okay sleeper. He wasn't one of those babies who woke every hour for a feed as a freshie thank God. But he's never consistently slept through the night. I could count on three fingers one hand the number of times he's slept through.

I thought we were on to a winner. The beginning of continuous sleep thrus. He slept through after we went out for dinner Saturday night, and then he followed it up with another sleep through Sunday night. He was waking earlier though, but I thought that was a good compromise seeing as though I just got an 8 hour block of sleep.

With baited breath we went to bed last night, hoping and praying he'd sleep through again.... and of course he didn't.

It was worse then usual.

Normally, he'll wake for a feed once overnight and be back asleep in a matter of moments. I'd probably only be away 30 minutes max. Last night, oh last night he thought being awake for two fecking hours would be a good idea. We changed him, I offered more milk, I rocked him, I layed him on my chest. But he was just intent on piss farting around, squirmy and playing with the clasp on my maternity singlet.

GAAAHHHHH babies are so frustrating  adorably unpredictable. Even now the young one is fighting his second day sleep, you know, just to mix it up a little.

Babies, gotta love them.

The W word

Yes yes, I'm talking about THE wedding. You know, the little one that happened on Friday (local time).

Now I know you're probably like me and a little sick of it, but bare with me. I have had visitors for the last 10 days so need to indulge in a little bit of wedding talk.

I'm sorry to say I was not at home watching the wedding like the 2 billion people around the world, I instead was out enjoying a baby free dinner with a girlfriend (the first EVER baby free dinner since Malachi's birth).

I did, however catch most of the wedding on the news the day after the big event and Miss Kate or should I call her the dutchess of Cambridge? looked beautiful. That Tiara old Queeny leant her for the day WOW WOW WOW.

I also love how they still managed to have some intimacy and privacy even with the whole world watching. Little glances at each other, Harry cute little Harry telling William that Kate had arrived and looked gorgeous, and who could forget not one but two kisses on the balcony.

Anyway, this blog post had a point, and that point was to share some wedding pictures from my wedding day just over two years ago.

Back of the dress

Best picture I could find of the whole dress

My gorgeous God daughter and I

Front of the dress

Hubby and I (and no I wasn't pregnant, he just ALWAYS puts his hand on my belly!)

Probably my favourite photo of the day

SHOES!

Hand in hand

Sneaky kisses

Trying to drop me on my head

The veil.

I could go on, but I don't want to bore you to tears. Though I would love to see your wedding day pictures as well.

All these photos are copyrighted by my photographer. I do not want to share too much information (like where abouts we got married) so I won't share her name.

A Mumma doubts herself

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Malachi has really slimmed down lately. He was 3.4kgs at birth and doubled his birth weight by 3 months.

Now he's almost 10 months and just under 9kgs (rough guess-timate I just put him on our crappy bathroom scales). I think he looks healthy but Hubby's making me doubt myself. He thinks he's really ...slim. Slim arms, skinny legs, little belly.

Malachi has 3 breastfeeds during the day and the last milk feed at night I've either been giving him breastmilk and then a formula top up, or just formula.

Last night I just gave him formula after the little pain bit me. He had dinner at 5pm, milk at 7pm and he only drank 100mls (he last had milk at 1pm). I know I cant force feed it down his throat, and he's weeing and pooing okay just what you wanted to hear right.

Hubby is somewhat suggesting that my breastmilk is dodgy and we should just switch to full time formula but I know that if I 'gave up' now while I still have milk available I would feel guilty.

GAH don't know what to do. Are we destined as parent's to always second guess and judge ourselves? I don't know what the 'right' thing to do is.

Have you had a milky's dilemma? Any advice to offer?

Monkey see, monkey do

With Easter just around the corner I've been racking my brains trying to find something for the wee little man. Being not quite 10 months old I was certain I wasn't going to be buying him chocolate, might leave that until next year.

I considered one of those little bowl, spoon, cup type sets (there's a Thomas, a Peter Rabbit, and a few other ones) but he already received a Toy Story one at Christmas.

Then I stumbled across this little cutie and knew I'd found Master M's easter gift. Meet Cadbury:

Isn't he the cutest little guy you've ever seen!? I'm thinking he and Master M will be great friends.

What are you getting your little one for Easter?

Do you do presents for Easter or stick with chocolate?

It's Britney Bitch

Yep, that's right I'm going to admit on this here little old blog that I'm loving Britney.

I bought her album the other day at JB and having been bopping away and singing out of tune ever since.

I love that her songs are catchy and nothing-ey. Just what I need to take my mind off things.

ENJOY!!

 

Bye bye money, hello pain.

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You may remember I have a MASSIVE fear of the dentist.

Well heart racing and stomach churning I went there yesterday. First time in way too many years. And oh the smell. You know what I'm talking about right? I told him it smelt like a dental surgery. He must be immune to it after all these years as he didn't agree that his practice has a smell.

When I was trying to find a dentist, I turned to my friend, google. This dentist was highly recommended. Great skills, friendly, honest, keen on sedation and gentle.

Well google was right. He was super friendly. He asked why I had such a fear of the dentist. I couldn't really answer him. I think it's the great big fear of the unknown.

You see growing up in a single parent household we never went to the dentist. Well except when they came to our school and let's be honest they are not friendly, or gentle so maybe that's why I hate the dentist so much.

He didn't scold me for not going for years which a bitch dentist did two years ago! No wonder I never went back for that filling mean lady.

He found out I'm a registered nurse. He asked whether I worked with his golfing buddies, two doctors at the hospital I work at. Turns out I do. I was hoping this would mean a discount.... ah no! Someone has to fund his golf trips after all.

So what does not going to the dentist your whole life mean? Seven fillings, a crown, a splint for night time and the possible removal of wisdom teeth.

HOLY FECKING HELL!!!

Bye bye money, hello pain!

I'm going back next week to hand over $410 have two fillings done. I'm slowly working my way up to the crown. Totally not convinced about the wisdom teeth though. I have never had a general anaesthetic before and I have nursed people who've had their wisdom teeth out. It's not a pretty picture.

Lucky we have been putting money into a health account for the last few years to cover some of the costs of the dental work. We don't have health insurance, though it is on the list of things to look at.

But it got me thinking last night, no wonder lower income households don't go to the dentist. It is expensive, and you don't get anything back from medicare.

I'm really grateful that I have no permanent effects from putting off the dentist for so long. I have no pain, my teeth nerves are all okay (apparently decay can go down to the nerve!) and I get to keep most of my teeth bar the damn wisdom teeth!

I am certain though that my kiddies will go to the dentist often. I really do think if I had of gone regularly I wouldn't be in this position today.

Do you visit the dentist often? How do your children handle the dentist?

Word Vomit

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You know I like to over share right? Right?

Well here I go again...

* I have spent way too much money lately on the little guy and none on myself I should add. We are trying to finish off his nursery so we've bought some very cute jungle prints, are stalking looking at Etsy for two wall decals for his room as well as a new rug of some description.

* I have imposed a no nappy buying ban on myself. Refer to the above point of spending too much money.

* Looking at booking flights to Cairns for FIL's 60th. Holy hell talk about expensive. Flights (two I should add making a 6+ hour day of travelling with a 14 month old!) + accommodation + car hire = ohhh I don't know about $2000. Holy feck!!

* Have replaced one breastfeed a day with formula so I can look at returning to work when I stop procrastinating and call my manager. Feeling guilty and sad. Must keep telling myself it's just milk.

* Got a text message from Mum asking if I'm angry at her, and if I am to please call her. What the feck!! Passive aggressive much?

* Took the young one to the GP yesterday as I found a lump on his neck. $70 lately I find out it's just a lymph node post viral infection. Though I did learn you have lymph nodes on your head as he also has a raised one there too. Feeling like a dumb nurse that I didn't know that.

* Off to the dentist Tuesday. FFEECKKKK!!! Have not been for way too long. Is it weird that I'd rather birth a baby then go sit in that dental chair? My heart is racing just thinking about it. Though this dentist is all for sedation. Hmm might tell him to get all the dental work over and done with at once or I'll chicken out and won't go back!

Do you have a fear of the dentist? Any tips for travelling with a toddler?

And the judgements continue

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I forget which one of my favourite bloggers was speaking about something similar the other day.....

Anyway.

A recent debate about vaginal births and c sections has gotten me thinking, why aren't we happy unless we are judging or criticising or putting someone down?

It feels to me like if you say ' I had a drug free vaginal birth' it's in some way something smug to say. Is it not just speaking the truth? Can we not be happy for this person, if they achieved the birth they wanted?

If someone said ' I had a c section' are we quick to judge that Mum and perhaps think 'they took the easy way out' or 'they were too posh to push'. Why do we not just think that she made the right decision for her and her baby?

It just seems like whenever the word children is mentioned, whether it be in regards to birthing said child, feeding the child, disciplining the child there is never a moment when you are not judged.

Have you felt the judgement of others recently?

Big FAT fail

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Our first big proper on our own as a family of three holiday was so totally crap. Whoever said holidays with a baby were easy were LYING!! Malachi got a pretty nasty cold on about day two of our week long holiday. Cue needy whinges, 2 hourly boobie feeds, pacing the floors rocking and bouncing a baby to sleep and not much night sleep.

Oh and I was about ready to divorce hubby!! We were both looking forward to a week of relaxing and chilling out. Reconnecting and all that jazz. Instead we were hit with the utterly exhausted stick, and were just snapping at each other over stupid things.

Oh and that's right it was raining, windy and overcast the entire time we were away so me being the good Mummy didn't want to take him out much in the cold. Guess it didn't help that I thought it didn't get cold at the coast so I didn't really pack many warm winter clothes WHOOPS!!

We went to the pharmacy as I left all my cold stuff (euky bear, nasal drops etc) here and they thought he could have croup. Went and saw a useless doctor who could barely speak English who was trying to tell me he had conjunctivitis. Um idiot it's just a blocked tear duct! So he wrote a script for some eye drops (which I just thought meh whatever dude) had a listen to his chest and said 'if it's whooping cough or croup you'll know tonight'. Thankfully it was just a cold. BLAH bloody useless doctors.

The cutest thing was we were sitting having dinner at a golf club, wolfing down our meal as the little one was so super duper cranky and whiny. A little old lady, who would have been around 80 came over and said 'oh you must never get to eat in peace I'll take him for a walk'. I thought it was adorable. Hubby on the other hand thought that a) she was going to run away with him or b) drop him. So the little old lady only got a 5 minute hug before hubby rescued Malachi away from her.

So we're home now. Totally unrelaxed and just as exhausted as we were before we left.

Looks like we'll be looking into another holiday sooner rather than later. Maybe for my birthday (which cough is in less than two weeks. April 3rd incase you wanted to send me a little parcel).

Please tell me holidays with a baby/toddler/small child gets easier?

Let's go shopping

Shopping ain't what it used to be. I used to just do my hair and make up, grab my bag and out the door I went.

These days I get ready, I get the baby ready, I make sure I have the 100 essentials packed in my nappy bag, I change the baby, because we all know they like to poo just as you're heading out the door, put baby in the car, drive to shopping centre, take baby out of the car, put him in the pram. And by this stage I'm well and truly over it, he's normally grizzling I just do a quick shop and go home again.

Gone are the days of leisurely browsing to my hearts content.

So I have started online shopping, well browsing at this stage. I'm so tight with my money I baulk at the prices.

Here's what I'm loving at the moment...

Fossil Blue Floral Clutch

Bag from Novo Shoes

Matilda Jacket from Jackie E

Knit Jumper by Just Add Sugar

Airforce Anna Dress by Friends of Couture



Sigh... a girl can dream right?

A non Valentine's day post

** Yes I know it's Valentine's day but really, it's just another day for this here little blogger **

The lovely Racheous and Nicole awarded me this I'm sure you've seen it floating around:

My requested tasks to receive this award are:

* Thank and link back to the person who gave me this award.
* Share 7 things about myself.
* Pay it forward to 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
* Contact those bloggers and tell them about the award.

 7 things about me:

1. Since having Master M I have taken to drinking all hot drinks out of my travel mugs. Not only do I get double the volume, which let's be honest who doesn't love a super sized coffee, my drink also stays hotter for longer. Win win I say.

2. I was a gymnast for 7 and a half years. I called it quits when my boobs got too big and the red witch arrived I decided to focus on high school instead.

3. I have been vegetarian for almost 10 years. I did try a chicken nugget about four years ago but the texture and all that chewing was enough to make me want to barf.

4. I always thought I'd have four kiddies two of each of course. I have since revised that back to 3 though I am yet to convince the husband about it! Ever the rational one he wants 'as many as we can afford' which is looking more like two.

5. Hubby and I met when I was 15 and he was 19 and we were working at the local Maccas together. He was my first serious boyfriend. We've been together for nearly seven years.

6. I am such a sook when it comes to creepy crawly things probably not a surprise if you knew me in real life. I duck and swerve when I'm outside so that bees, wasps, dragonflies and all those other nasties don't bite me.

7. I've turn into a cloth nappy snob loving Mumma. I feel like such a sucker when I have to use a disgustable disposable. I can't help but think I'm just throwing money down the drain.

Now I'm a bit of a loser and I don't have 15 blogs to pay it forward to so I'll just pass it on to those I love

* Cate at Keep Cate Busy

* Lauren at Ninja Tales

* The lovely Mama Bear

* Amy at Things I never knew

* Zoey at Ramblings of a wife and mama

* Amy at Love, bubs and life on our little farm

* Tamsyn at Max and Me

Wishes for your Friday

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I wish:

* I had a tasty biscuit to dunk into my morning coffee. Heck I'd even take a muffin right about now.

* I was a super smart wizz at HTML so I could make me a new blog background, button and what not. Not really loving the look of my blog which is probably why I've been a super slack blogger of late.

* It wasn't so hard to get a childcare place! 12 month wait at a few I've rung. WTF SHIT! Staying home isn't an option as we need the money *sob*

* The most perfect super duper gorgeous affordable car is just waiting at a caryard, begging us to take it home this weekend.

What are you wishing for right now?

Any amazing plans for the weekend?