What have we got here?

Baby "Yufi" 12 weeks and 2 days old.

Just chillaxing while sucking his/her thumb.

I'm here and still alive. I have been struggling a lot lately with depression and anxiety and general 'feel like shit'-ness.

I've been worried a lot about this baby, how I'll cope with two when we're so far away from family, how will we fit in our tiny townhouse, how I wish I worked more (There I go, I said it out 'loud') etc etc.

I went to my GP and spoke about going on a low dose antidepressant (yep, I feel guilty about that too).
At this stage I'm going to see a psychologist and try some cognitive behaviour therapy and see if I can manage with just that.

The husband and I have also had some long (and heated) discussions about moving back 'home'. He totally hates the idea (I don't think hate is a strong enough word) so we're thinking maybe Brissy/Sunshine Coast/Gold Coast might be the answer. Close to family, well 2 hours away which is closer than 20+ hours away.

I'm hoping we can find some solutions to my current issues, but in the meantime I guess I'll just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming .......

Feeling like shit

I've been feeling down lately and just not loving life.

Things are getting on top of me and I'm snapping over the silliest things.

I have no support network here.

My mother's group is falling apart and my marriage is slowly turning to shit.

I think I have PND and I feel like shit. I feel like a failure.

I've already been through depression, anxiety and PTSD in my teens and now this.

I just took that depression test on beyond blue and scored 20. I don't want to go through this again.

I feel stupid. I don't want to go to the GP and be told I'm failing.

I called hubby today and said I felt sad for no reason. I hate life at the moment and he didn't help at all.

Im sick of my baby crying and whinging.

I guess him only sleeping for an hour out of 12 will do that to a Mum.

I've been so grumpy and I even yelled at him.

Hubby was with me when I went through the depression and everything before and I don't know whether he could handle it again.

I know I need to get help. Thought of self harm are coming back and I don't know what to do.

SHIT!!!!

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That was my thinking yesterday. It's not quite as bad today.

The beautiful Amy wrote some very kind words to me. 

It was a kick in the arse and I've gotten the ball rolling.

I made an appointment with a new GP, as mine is away.

I rang work and asked if I could return earlier and also just one day a week at the moment.

My manager, who is a twit, is more than willing to accomodate me.

And for that I'm so very grateful.

I rang and spoke to someone from PANDA who was so kind and a massive help. She emailed me contact details for a few psychologists and spoke about getting a mental health plan in place.

I know I have a long way to go.

But I have everything crossed that I will win.

I will beat this.

I know I will.

So forgive my lack of blogging.

I've got to get myself happy and healthy again.

You Again?

Image

It's back, in all it's ugliness.......... the anxiety.

I thought I was doing quite well, it's been three months since the birth of Malachi and not a hint of depression and or anxiety. But lately I haven't been sleeping well, and that's a tell tale sign for me. I've been lying awake in bed hours after the little tyke is fast asleep. I've been listening to him breathing and listening to my heart racing. I couldn't quite work out what it was that had set the demons loose. But then I realised.

My little babe has nearly outgrown his bassinet and because of that he'll be moving into his cot in his own room. I love hearing him breathing beside me, knowing he's okay. A midwife in one of our parenting classes said that a baby is safest when near their parents. And for some reason that has really stuck with me and I can't stop thinking about it. I was totally freaking out about having him in his own room where I couldn't see or hear him. Sure, we could get a monitor, but I can't shake that little fact the midwife said. Call me crazy but I couldn't live with myself if something was to happen to him while he's in his cot instead of next to me.

I've been so ashamed and embarassed to bring this up with Hubby. I feel like I've failed, like I'm slipping backwards. He was of course was fine with the whole thing, and suggested we move the cot into our room. But we love his room (even though it's not quite finished yet) so our compromise is that Malachi will sleep in a portacot in our room right beside me. I don't know how long this arrangement will last for. I'm sure he'll be in his own room by the time he's in preschool :-) But for now this works for us, and will hopefully help to lessen my anxiety.