Saturday, October 2, 2010

You Again?

It's back, in all it's ugliness.......... the anxiety.

I thought I was doing quite well, it's been three months since the birth of Malachi and not a hint of depression and or anxiety. But lately I haven't been sleeping well, and that's a tell tale sign for me. I've been lying awake in bed hours after the little tyke is fast asleep. I've been listening to him breathing and listening to my heart racing. I couldn't quite work out what it was that had set the demons loose. But then I realised.

My little babe has nearly outgrown his bassinet and because of that he'll be moving into his cot in his own room. I love hearing him breathing beside me, knowing he's okay. A midwife in one of our parenting classes said that a baby is safest when near their parents. And for some reason that has really stuck with me and I can't stop thinking about it. I was totally freaking out about having him in his own room where I couldn't see or hear him. Sure, we could get a monitor, but I can't shake that little fact the midwife said. Call me crazy but I couldn't live with myself if something was to happen to him while he's in his cot instead of next to me.

I've been so ashamed and embarassed to bring this up with Hubby. I feel like I've failed, like I'm slipping backwards. He was of course was fine with the whole thing, and suggested we move the cot into our room. But we love his room (even though it's not quite finished yet) so our compromise is that Malachi will sleep in a portacot in our room right beside me. I don't know how long this arrangement will last for. I'm sure he'll be in his own room by the time he's in preschool :-) But for now this works for us, and will hopefully help to lessen my anxiety.