Feeling like shit

I've been feeling down lately and just not loving life.

Things are getting on top of me and I'm snapping over the silliest things.

I have no support network here.

My mother's group is falling apart and my marriage is slowly turning to shit.

I think I have PND and I feel like shit. I feel like a failure.

I've already been through depression, anxiety and PTSD in my teens and now this.

I just took that depression test on beyond blue and scored 20. I don't want to go through this again.

I feel stupid. I don't want to go to the GP and be told I'm failing.

I called hubby today and said I felt sad for no reason. I hate life at the moment and he didn't help at all.

Im sick of my baby crying and whinging.

I guess him only sleeping for an hour out of 12 will do that to a Mum.

I've been so grumpy and I even yelled at him.

Hubby was with me when I went through the depression and everything before and I don't know whether he could handle it again.

I know I need to get help. Thought of self harm are coming back and I don't know what to do.

SHIT!!!!

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That was my thinking yesterday. It's not quite as bad today.

The beautiful Amy wrote some very kind words to me. 

It was a kick in the arse and I've gotten the ball rolling.

I made an appointment with a new GP, as mine is away.

I rang work and asked if I could return earlier and also just one day a week at the moment.

My manager, who is a twit, is more than willing to accomodate me.

And for that I'm so very grateful.

I rang and spoke to someone from PANDA who was so kind and a massive help. She emailed me contact details for a few psychologists and spoke about getting a mental health plan in place.

I know I have a long way to go.

But I have everything crossed that I will win.

I will beat this.

I know I will.

So forgive my lack of blogging.

I've got to get myself happy and healthy again.

Not so fab Friday

Photo Credit

What a week. It seems to have been one long day after day after day of the wee one whinging and grumbling and moaning.

Put him on the floor, he rolls onto his belly and cries. Roll him back onto his back, he rolls onto his belly and cries.

Put him in the bouncer.... yep you guessed it, cry. The bouncer used to be one of his favourite little thing when he was a wee one. Not anymore. He just tries to do sit ups in the bouncer. Might be time to put this one in Harry's cupboard until we have another baby.

Activity centre? You've got to be kidding!! He chucks a little tanty and throws himself around in the seat.

This Mumma is tired. I feel like I'm a piece of string being stretched in all directions.

AM... ABOUT... TO... SNAP!!

I always knew patience wasn't my strong point. I don't know whether it's because it's been raining like crazy this week and we've been cooped up inside, or whether it's just time for some baby free time. But the constant moaning and grumbling by the little one is grating on my nerves BIG TIME.

The husband has decided tomorrow he'll take the baby for the morning. So I'm booked in for a hair colour and cut... and I might ever squeeze in some eyebrow waxing. Oh and I'm off to pick up my new iphone.

I'm so looking forward to it. Oh that and putting up the Christmas tree. Come back next week for my entry in Bubby Makes Three's Show it like it is challenge :-)

What are you looking forward to this weekend?

Feeling Shitty

Okay here goes, and I apologise it might seem a bit disjointed.

Master M is just over a month old and in the beginning things were going well. I had DH at home for just under 3 weeks so we were sharing the load, he was helping with the nappies, getting bubs to sleep etc.
Ever since he's been back at work things have been hard. M won't settle at times and just keeps crying and grunting. This morning he was awake at 615 just as DH was getting up and getting ready for work. I asked him to change him before he left but he didn't (he doesn't have a set start time at work, so changing a nappy wouldn't have made him late at all) . This morning M had been awake for over 4 hours and nothing I could do would get him to sleep. It got to a point that I yelled at him to shut up as I'd had enough.

I feel like such a bad Mum as I'm really not enjoying motherhood. I thought I'd love being a mother, and love being at home with my boy, but the truth is I really don't like it. I'm jealous of DH getting up and going to work. I want to go to work, I want 5 minutes without the baby. I want a few minutes without having him attached to me and having him needing me.
I'm just so sad at the moment and getting so frustrated at my baby. I also feel like I've brought this upon myself as I was the one wanting to have a baby so early and not DH.